Where do things stand?

Hmm. I wish I could come back and say things have changed, but... I'm not sure if they have.

The first counselling session I went to was kind of helpful, mostly because it felt really good to get everything off my chest. Not that I can't do that normally, but psychologists are trained to sound interested and get you to talk comfortably about whatever's bothering you, and your friends probably aren't. Anyway, the counselor's recommendation regarding feeling down was that it's natural that there will be both ups and downs, and I should just let it happen.

I went back for another session, and after talking about my expectations and goals and how I'm trying to go about this whole dating thing, the counsellor told me what, frankly, I felt I already knew: that I'm older, wiser, and mature, and perfectly capable of managing and figuring out how to do this on my own. The only part I struggle with is actually meeting new people who I could ask out. So, the recommendation was to do group therapy when it starts up for the fall semester, but otherwise that I probably don't need any more individual counseling.

Meanwhile, I've been slipping. I'm so excited for summer semester to be over, to have all my friends back in town for school, that I've been spending a lot of time with them and not much time exploring avenues that would be more helpful on the dating front. I have one or two ideas, actually, but they won't start for another few weeks.

Hmm, what else? I sort of made peace with Will, and we're back to being friends (as much as we were friends before for having just met recently). We got to talk some, and I've finally been able to get to understand him a bit better, and pump him for information from time to time. I'm embarassed to admit that he's not the oblivious person I sometimes thought he was; he's much more aware of things than I gave him credit for.

Anyway, he shared an insight about hooking up, that for him, the problem with hookups is that he inevitably falls for the person, and has trouble letting go. I'm glad to have heard this, because I know that's exactly the sort of thing I'd do right now. So I finally have a good reason, from someone who's actually been through the hookup-slut phase, to choose whether or not to do it myself.

So, I dunno. My initial concept with this blog was to share my insights and help other people, but I end up talking about all the things that I need help with instead. I'm not really sure what direction I want to go here. I'm also not sure that my idea of not blogging about things here until a week after they happen is smart, because I end up reliving things that I'd just gotten past; it ends up being kind of distracting.

Shrink

When I created this blog, my intention was to talk about things I don't usually have the chance to talk about in real life. I don't have many gay friends that I get to have deep conversations with, and straight friends can only talk about so much before their lack of interest and experience becomes a barrier.

What I didn't intend to do was use this blog as a support network. I have my real-life friends for that; they may not always understand perfectly but we're close and they care about me. What I wanted to do here was record things that happened in my gay life, so that others could enjoy the stories, or maybe even learn from them, but I've been trying to mostly write about things after the fact, and avoid turning this into an emotionally-charged journal.

With that said...

I went to see a psychologist last week. Some things had happened that left me feeling pretty depressed and directionless, and after talking to a couple people I realized I had no idea what to do and needed some help. So I went to school and went to the counseling center to meet with someone.

The funny thing is, I don't mind telling my real-life friends this, but I almost want to hide it from you on this blog. I feel like I've just started this blog and now I'm talking about how I'm getting counseling, surely it must make it look like I'm much more screwed up than I am. Whereas my real-life friends know that I'm normally quite well-adjusted, I've just been having a hard time with some of these gay things.

Anyway, the counselor said they will probably suggest group therapy. I'm not really comfortable with that idea, but intellectually I know it's probably exactly what I need and so I'll give it a try. (Ironically, the fact that I'm not comfortable lumping myself with a group of gay grad students sort of proves that I belong in the group.)

I'm not really sure what to do with this blog now. I'm sort of putting dating and hooking up on hold for now, since I've sort of realized that I'm not quite prepared to go about it on my own yet. I don't know if I should blog about what I learn from group therapy. Maybe there are people there who could really be helped by hearing it, but since I currently have 11 people following this blog I have a hard time judging what they would want to hear. And more to the point, anyone who's helped by hearing what I'm going through in therapy probably should consider being in therapy themselves, so I'm really not sure what the point would be. I wasn't planning on using this blog for working out my issues.

Twins

I'm leaving on a trip for the week/weekend. I'll leave you with a quick story to hold you over until I get back (hopefully with more stories).

While I was on a choir tour once, we were chilling in the dormitory, just shooting the crap. One particularly cute boy mentioned that he's an identical twin, something none of us knew about him before. His [very-soon-to-be] girlfriend asked if he had any pictures, and he pulled out his phone while remarking jokingly, "Yeah, I think I have some naked pictures of us."

I nearly came in my pants that instant.

Of course there were no naked pictures, but the idea was enough. (Sure enough, his brother looks just like him, only more tan due to being in Florida.) Twins are definitely more than twice as hot as the individuals.

Selfishness

Alright, well since it came up in the comments... what am I looking for in a relationship?

Someday, I'd like to find the right guy (and there might be more than one "right man" for me out there, but I'll be happy to just find one of them) and live happily together. I don't know what that will entail (marriage, kids, etc.) because I have too many things on my mind right now to think that far into the future.

In the meanwhile, I've never dated, and the likelihood of me finding my soulmate in the very first person (or first few people) I date is very low. I'll date anyway, though, because you can still be happy and make someone else happy even if you're not a perfect match. But in the meanwhile, I need practice.

Practice. So that when I do meet the right person, I'll be comfortable and confident. I need to learn how to go on dates. I need to learn how to get to know someone better. I need to learn how to spend time with someone. I need to learn how to have sex.

For that matter, I want to have sex. I could start having hook-ups and one-night-stands, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Even though I sort of want it, I'm also sort of creeped out by it, and I can't get past that yet. I'd rather look for a relationship to provide my satisfaction... at least for now.

I did sort of imply that the only reason I'm getting into a relationship right now is for my own benefit of learning how to do relationship-type things, which isn't true. In fact earlier today I cancelled a date with a guy because I realized I just wasn't that interested.

Most people don't really think through what they want out of a relationship this thoroughly. I do because I'm stunted. I have the same dating experience as a 14-year-old, even though I'm about to turn 26. I really don't want to be 40 before I find the right guy, so I'm trying to be more aggressive and more goal-driven about dating. I desperately want a relationship, but I don't want to get into just any relationship; I want to get into a relationship that will help me learn and mature.

Does this make sense to you? I mean, it makes sense to me. There's a voice in my head constantly reminding me how far behind other people I am, how people younger than me have a lot more experience at sex and dating, and it's hard to ignore that voice. So I'm trying to do what I can to remedy the situation. If all I cared about was getting laid, I could just jump on OkCupid or Craigslist or Grindr and find a hook-up, but I don't want that. I want a relationship. It doesn't have to be the relationship; it just has to be one that I can learn from. But that isn't to say I don't also want to enjoy the experience itself.

Cleaning up my mess

Okay, I think I can write without feeling like I have to have caps lock on all the time, so here's the story.

The last time Will and I "talked", he said I wasn't his type, but he was kind of interested, but he wasn't sure, etc. I thanked him for telling me [finally], and said I was okay taking things slower, waiting to see if anything would work out. That was like 3 weeks ago, and then he started be a bit more friendly and cuddly. Well that settled that.

My spider-sense started to go off, though, because he wasn't really acting like we were even sort of dating. He wouldn't sit next to me unless I asked/begged him to. Other clues that things weren't going as well as I thought they were. Then the other night it all came out.

Turns out his "maybe" actually meant "no." We were done 3 weeks ago, and since then he's thought of us as "friends with cuddle benefits." Well how was I supposed to know that? I don't want to point and call him a liar, but what he says he was thinking just doesn't seem to match what he told me or what I said to him.

I'm kind of angry with him for having wasted my time for the last couple weeks. Okay, so it wasn't intentional; he didn't set out to deceive me. I was grossly misled, though. I like to think I'm not the only one, because my friends thought we were dating, too, but that doesn't really say a whole lot, I guess.

I'm also upset because I only had one goal for this (or really any) relationship, and that was to come out of it having gained something. Either learned how to go on a date well, or had some sex, or something. Anything so that I could look back and say "I got something for my trouble, so it wasn't a waste." And so far I really can't come up with anything.

Are we still friends? I don't know, he was on a roadtrip this weekend and I haven't seen him or talked. I'd like to be. He's got so much more experience than me, there's so many things I could learn from him, and since he sort of liked me and we sort of dated, he's in a position to help me learn things my other gay friends can't. If I could get that out of it, then I would be able to look back and say "The relationship didn't work, but I still came out ahead." I'd like that.

In the meanwhile... I had a crush on him, and I need to thoroughly get that out of my head so that I can stop thinking of how good we could have been for each other, and start lusting after other boys.

So, I'm taking my own advice. You see, dating is really simple: If you like someone and they like you, great; go do things together. If you like someone, but they reject you or it otherwise doesn't work out, THEY'RE AN ASSHOLE. They were no good for you anyway. Dump their ass, and go find someone else.

See, if you convince yourself the other person is an asshole—even if you know it isn't true—then when you realize what an asshole they are, you won't be interested in them anymore, and you can get them out of your head. Later you can go back and patch things up, but first you've got to get rid of any feelings you're harboring for them, and that's what this is for.

So, I've come up with all the ways Will mistreated me and disrespected me, and you know what? It's pretty convincing. Last night as I was falling asleep I had thoughts of making out with half a dozen different boys, and none of them was Will. I'd call that progress.

Oops

Oh, disregard the previous post. I figured out what was going on.

Hint: It ends with me being definitively single again.

I'll explain more when I'm a bit more level-headed.

Molasses

I'm still trying to figure out where things are going with Will... if they're going anywhere at all. It would be nice if I could just ask, but that's much harder than it sounds.

I thought things were going better after we sort of bonded by staring at naked straight boys last weekend. But now that the trip is over, I still don't sense any more of a connection. He's happy to be cuddly, but when we go out to eat with friends he sits on the other end of the table.

I'm doing my best to keep in mind what he wants, and not just what I want. Because if I only cared about what I want, I would take his hand and shove it down the front of my pants. Pretty hard to misinterpret that.

But Will, I have no idea what he wants. I don't know if he's looking at this with serious possibility, or whether he's just relishing the attention. I'm sure to him I'm just like a puppy.

So this is kind of frustrating. How can things move so slowly? If Will wanted some action tonight, I bet he could make a couple phone calls and have something lined up in a few minutes. I'm frustrated that this guy who I know is capable of moving fast is taking it so slow. I'm not getting any younger.

Independence Day weekend

What am I doing? I should be telling you about the weekend trip I took!

For the past 8 years or so, ever since I went off to college, I've lived about 6 hours from my hometown. I decided that this past weekend, since my dad was not home for a couple weeks, it would be a great time to bring some of my friends home for a roadtrip—we'd have the whole house to ourselves!

As it turns out, though, my younger brother (he's 22, I'm 25) had the exact same plan. So, we had 10 people in the house—my brother, 3 of his friends, me, and 5 of mine.

Late Saturday night, after we'd finished shooting off fireworks, we decided to go swimming. Two of my brother's friends decided to throw each other into the pool fully clothed, even though they had bathing suits. The third friend, Bart (it's tough coming up with pseudonyms, deal with it) jumped in wearing an undershirt and underwear. Then, to our amazement, he took off the shirt and underwear.

Will was with us on the trip, and he was shocked that this straight guy was naked. Will is a very outgoing gay guy—not necessarily flamboyant, but definitely prone to making lewd comments and stuff. When Bart ran into the house to grab some liquor, still naked, Will followed him in to have a look. Par for the course... although I was actually surprised that Will wasn't stripping down himself or being more overtly sexual.

Eventually we got out of the pool, 'cause the water was cold! and people were tired of shivering. Once inside, one of Bart's friends remarked that he was now naked under his towel, the same as Bart, and so they decided, what the hell, let's go skinny dipping together. With the rest of my friends out of sight, I didn't feel the need to be so modest, so I tagged along. We were only in for a couple more minutes—just for the heck of it—but it was nice. I'd forgotten how much nicer it is to swim naked.

Bart felt like showing off some more, and spent the rest of the evening wearing just a towel. We were in the garage smoking hookah (the only way I'll smoke anything). Every time Bart got up to do something, his towel ended up misadjusted (not intentionally), and half the time we got a nice view out of it. He didn't really mind that two gay guys were watching him... I think he was just doing it for the attention, though. Still, I wished so badly that we could have goaded him into doing more than just flashing people occasionally. The circumstances just weren't right for it, though.

For our part, Will and I were trying not to stare at him too obviously, but apparently we're not good at that. :-) Will would call me on it and immediately turn and do it himself, without realizing he was doing it. It was something of a bonding experience for us.

I'm not dead yet

Well, it's been quite a weekend. Things are looking up on the dating front, I hope. I'll have more news on that later, I hope.

I've been thinking about some comments that people left. I disagree with some things that were said, and I'd love to explain why. But that seems dangerously close to picking a fight, and I'm not sure I want to get in to that.

But, I do want people to understand how I see things. From what I can tell, I don't have the same perspective on things that most gay guys have. Or at least, most of the visible gay guys. Maybe the ones who agree with me are not as outspoken and in the spotlight. That would make a lot of sense, actually.

So, what to do? How do I explain my take on gay life without picking fights?

When I figure that out, I'll have quite a few more posts to share.

In the meanwhile, I've been working on starting the story of how I realized my sexuality. I'm not really sure how much detail to include, though. There are a lot of details that don't actually impact the outcome, but contribute a lot to the story as a whole. I haven't heard many other people's coming out stories, so I don't have much inspiration.