Selfishness

Alright, well since it came up in the comments... what am I looking for in a relationship?

Someday, I'd like to find the right guy (and there might be more than one "right man" for me out there, but I'll be happy to just find one of them) and live happily together. I don't know what that will entail (marriage, kids, etc.) because I have too many things on my mind right now to think that far into the future.

In the meanwhile, I've never dated, and the likelihood of me finding my soulmate in the very first person (or first few people) I date is very low. I'll date anyway, though, because you can still be happy and make someone else happy even if you're not a perfect match. But in the meanwhile, I need practice.

Practice. So that when I do meet the right person, I'll be comfortable and confident. I need to learn how to go on dates. I need to learn how to get to know someone better. I need to learn how to spend time with someone. I need to learn how to have sex.

For that matter, I want to have sex. I could start having hook-ups and one-night-stands, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Even though I sort of want it, I'm also sort of creeped out by it, and I can't get past that yet. I'd rather look for a relationship to provide my satisfaction... at least for now.

I did sort of imply that the only reason I'm getting into a relationship right now is for my own benefit of learning how to do relationship-type things, which isn't true. In fact earlier today I cancelled a date with a guy because I realized I just wasn't that interested.

Most people don't really think through what they want out of a relationship this thoroughly. I do because I'm stunted. I have the same dating experience as a 14-year-old, even though I'm about to turn 26. I really don't want to be 40 before I find the right guy, so I'm trying to be more aggressive and more goal-driven about dating. I desperately want a relationship, but I don't want to get into just any relationship; I want to get into a relationship that will help me learn and mature.

Does this make sense to you? I mean, it makes sense to me. There's a voice in my head constantly reminding me how far behind other people I am, how people younger than me have a lot more experience at sex and dating, and it's hard to ignore that voice. So I'm trying to do what I can to remedy the situation. If all I cared about was getting laid, I could just jump on OkCupid or Craigslist or Grindr and find a hook-up, but I don't want that. I want a relationship. It doesn't have to be the relationship; it just has to be one that I can learn from. But that isn't to say I don't also want to enjoy the experience itself.

I'm not dead yet

Well, it's been quite a weekend. Things are looking up on the dating front, I hope. I'll have more news on that later, I hope.

I've been thinking about some comments that people left. I disagree with some things that were said, and I'd love to explain why. But that seems dangerously close to picking a fight, and I'm not sure I want to get in to that.

But, I do want people to understand how I see things. From what I can tell, I don't have the same perspective on things that most gay guys have. Or at least, most of the visible gay guys. Maybe the ones who agree with me are not as outspoken and in the spotlight. That would make a lot of sense, actually.

So, what to do? How do I explain my take on gay life without picking fights?

When I figure that out, I'll have quite a few more posts to share.

In the meanwhile, I've been working on starting the story of how I realized my sexuality. I'm not really sure how much detail to include, though. There are a lot of details that don't actually impact the outcome, but contribute a lot to the story as a whole. I haven't heard many other people's coming out stories, so I don't have much inspiration.

About coming out

If you're gay, you can't just come out once and be done with it. You have to come out to every person you meet. Unless you're at a gay club, society assumes you're straight until you show otherwise. Some people do this by wearing pride colors, or relying on gay mannerisms. Others don't bring it up right away, until one day they make a remark that reveals that they've been gay all along. (Mentioning a boyfriend is a good way to do that, or making a joke about your sexuality.) And other people just don't give a hoot if other people know or not. But regardless, coming out is something you have to do over and over again.

Coming out is often (in my experience, at least) not nearly as traumatic as we think it will be. It can be really difficult to work yourself up to telling someone, because you really never know how they'll react until you do it. That's stressful, and draining, and not particularly pleasant. But in reality, most people, when someone comes out to them, will not react very much at all. They might be shocked for a bit, and they might have questions, and they might make sure to express their continuing friendship and support for you, but compared to the mushroom cloud we always prepare for, it's kind of a let-down.

(This isn't to say it's like that every time. I've been lucky so far, I guess, but many people aren't, which is why you still have to be careful with everyone you tell. But if your friends aren't dicks, chances are things won't go too badly.)

I once asked a friend when you should come out to people, and he said, "You should come out to someone if you want to, or if you feel like you're hiding something from them." That's so succinct I really can't improve on it.

I mentioned before that I'm out to pretty much all my friends, and to my brother, but not to my parents. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in a different state, and I haven't made time to take a trip up for the purpose of telling them. (I'm not going to risk ruining a holiday visit by coming out to them then.) Two, I was okay coming out to my friends because I know them very well, and I knew they would be okay with it. I've never talked with my parents about homosexuality, so I don't know how they feel about it, and I don't know how they'll take it. I'd like to think that they're understanding enough that they'll be okay with it, but the truth is I just don't know. So I've been putting it off.

All said, though, it does get easier. When I first came out to my oldest, closest friends, I spent several weeks working up the courage to say it, even though I knew word for word what they would say in response. It was really hard to say the words, partly because I still wasn't comfortable with it myself. As I told more and more people, it got easier each time.

Person vs image

I was trying to decide what I should start by talking about, and I realized it's obvious. There's one big thing that bothers me about so many gay people, it's the natural thing to start talking about.

Your sexuality is part of who you are, but there's no need for it to define your image. Or in other words, "what you are" is not the same as "who you are".

Your image is something you have control over. You can choose how you dress, how you talk, how you act. I'm sure we're familiar with the stereotypical fag who talks with a soft lisp and does the hand flip... that's an image. I'm not saying there are no people who are just naturally like that; I don't think all faggy gay boys choose to act like that, although I'm sure at least some do. But let's just say that those mannerisms aren't a choice; how you dress definitely is a choice. So let's take that as an example.

One particular guy comes to mind, someone I was in a class with. He had one particular shirt that had a silhouette of one guy giving another guy mouth-to-mouth, with the caption "This is my favorite part." Really? Is that necessary? I have a terrible gaydar and I knew you were gay from the moment you opened your mouth, so do you really have to wear that shirt? It comes across to me as being very in-your-face.

I can contrast that with another soft-spoken guy who also shows up on my gaydar. He has all the gay mannerisms, but what does he wear? Shorts, sneakers, and ordinary t-shirts. He dresses just like an ordinary guy. His gayness has nothing to do with how he dresses.

I think some queers (gays, lesbians, and all others) have this problem with letting their sexuality—what they are—determine their image—who they are. Why do they do this? I wish I knew, honestly. I think in parts it may be a sense of obligation, that because they're gay they have to act that way; maybe they're scared or uncomfortable about who they are, and it's a way to protect themselves. Maybe they're just overwhelmed at finally being allowed to do something they couldn't have done before they came out. I honestly have no idea.

I have to confess, it is appealing sometimes. For one, dressing in low-cut jeans and tight shirts and getting a nice haircut is awesome. :-D It can make you feel really good about yourself, and that's not something that should be downplayed. And although I usually go for a total straight-boy image, sometimes there's a gay joke or mannerism that's just too good to pass up.

And I don't think the two should be totally disconnected. I just don't think that your sexuality should be the overriding thing that determines your image. Your image should be a reflection of you, of what you think is important about yourself and how you want others to see you. If your most defining characteristic is that you're gay, you must be either really sex-crazed or very one-dimensional. Imagine an overly-stereotyped straight fratboy, whose defining characteristic is his straightness. How utterly uninteresting. What a turn-off. If the most interesting think you can say about yourself is "I like girls," there's not much to distinguish you from anyone else, right? Why should us fags be any different? Being gay is super important to me; it's had a huge impact on my life even in this short time. But that doesn't make it important to everyone else, and that's not how I'd like people to see me.

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Hmm... in retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have kicked off this blog with a rant, but hopefully you'll find it insightful.

So, tell me what you think. Have I hit the nail on the head, or am I hopelessly misguided?