Selfishness

Alright, well since it came up in the comments... what am I looking for in a relationship?

Someday, I'd like to find the right guy (and there might be more than one "right man" for me out there, but I'll be happy to just find one of them) and live happily together. I don't know what that will entail (marriage, kids, etc.) because I have too many things on my mind right now to think that far into the future.

In the meanwhile, I've never dated, and the likelihood of me finding my soulmate in the very first person (or first few people) I date is very low. I'll date anyway, though, because you can still be happy and make someone else happy even if you're not a perfect match. But in the meanwhile, I need practice.

Practice. So that when I do meet the right person, I'll be comfortable and confident. I need to learn how to go on dates. I need to learn how to get to know someone better. I need to learn how to spend time with someone. I need to learn how to have sex.

For that matter, I want to have sex. I could start having hook-ups and one-night-stands, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Even though I sort of want it, I'm also sort of creeped out by it, and I can't get past that yet. I'd rather look for a relationship to provide my satisfaction... at least for now.

I did sort of imply that the only reason I'm getting into a relationship right now is for my own benefit of learning how to do relationship-type things, which isn't true. In fact earlier today I cancelled a date with a guy because I realized I just wasn't that interested.

Most people don't really think through what they want out of a relationship this thoroughly. I do because I'm stunted. I have the same dating experience as a 14-year-old, even though I'm about to turn 26. I really don't want to be 40 before I find the right guy, so I'm trying to be more aggressive and more goal-driven about dating. I desperately want a relationship, but I don't want to get into just any relationship; I want to get into a relationship that will help me learn and mature.

Does this make sense to you? I mean, it makes sense to me. There's a voice in my head constantly reminding me how far behind other people I am, how people younger than me have a lot more experience at sex and dating, and it's hard to ignore that voice. So I'm trying to do what I can to remedy the situation. If all I cared about was getting laid, I could just jump on OkCupid or Craigslist or Grindr and find a hook-up, but I don't want that. I want a relationship. It doesn't have to be the relationship; it just has to be one that I can learn from. But that isn't to say I don't also want to enjoy the experience itself.

I'm not dead yet

Well, it's been quite a weekend. Things are looking up on the dating front, I hope. I'll have more news on that later, I hope.

I've been thinking about some comments that people left. I disagree with some things that were said, and I'd love to explain why. But that seems dangerously close to picking a fight, and I'm not sure I want to get in to that.

But, I do want people to understand how I see things. From what I can tell, I don't have the same perspective on things that most gay guys have. Or at least, most of the visible gay guys. Maybe the ones who agree with me are not as outspoken and in the spotlight. That would make a lot of sense, actually.

So, what to do? How do I explain my take on gay life without picking fights?

When I figure that out, I'll have quite a few more posts to share.

In the meanwhile, I've been working on starting the story of how I realized my sexuality. I'm not really sure how much detail to include, though. There are a lot of details that don't actually impact the outcome, but contribute a lot to the story as a whole. I haven't heard many other people's coming out stories, so I don't have much inspiration.