About coming out

If you're gay, you can't just come out once and be done with it. You have to come out to every person you meet. Unless you're at a gay club, society assumes you're straight until you show otherwise. Some people do this by wearing pride colors, or relying on gay mannerisms. Others don't bring it up right away, until one day they make a remark that reveals that they've been gay all along. (Mentioning a boyfriend is a good way to do that, or making a joke about your sexuality.) And other people just don't give a hoot if other people know or not. But regardless, coming out is something you have to do over and over again.

Coming out is often (in my experience, at least) not nearly as traumatic as we think it will be. It can be really difficult to work yourself up to telling someone, because you really never know how they'll react until you do it. That's stressful, and draining, and not particularly pleasant. But in reality, most people, when someone comes out to them, will not react very much at all. They might be shocked for a bit, and they might have questions, and they might make sure to express their continuing friendship and support for you, but compared to the mushroom cloud we always prepare for, it's kind of a let-down.

(This isn't to say it's like that every time. I've been lucky so far, I guess, but many people aren't, which is why you still have to be careful with everyone you tell. But if your friends aren't dicks, chances are things won't go too badly.)

I once asked a friend when you should come out to people, and he said, "You should come out to someone if you want to, or if you feel like you're hiding something from them." That's so succinct I really can't improve on it.

I mentioned before that I'm out to pretty much all my friends, and to my brother, but not to my parents. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in a different state, and I haven't made time to take a trip up for the purpose of telling them. (I'm not going to risk ruining a holiday visit by coming out to them then.) Two, I was okay coming out to my friends because I know them very well, and I knew they would be okay with it. I've never talked with my parents about homosexuality, so I don't know how they feel about it, and I don't know how they'll take it. I'd like to think that they're understanding enough that they'll be okay with it, but the truth is I just don't know. So I've been putting it off.

All said, though, it does get easier. When I first came out to my oldest, closest friends, I spent several weeks working up the courage to say it, even though I knew word for word what they would say in response. It was really hard to say the words, partly because I still wasn't comfortable with it myself. As I told more and more people, it got easier each time.