"Awkward like a fox."

If you've never read "Awkward Things I Say to Girls," go check it out. First, it's hilarious... assuming you like schadenfreude. (Although he also did an ongoing story that was very compelling.)

Second, Justin's writing has sarcasm as thick as molasses and more bad metaphors than the political cartoon section of the Sunday newspaper. I wish I could write as good as he do. (See that? Sarcasm, eh? Eh?)

Third, it's more fulfilling than looking at porn or reading people's dirty truth-or-dare stories. Not that I would spend half my Sunday doing that.

Okay, maybe I did.

I need to get laid. This is a very unfulfilling way to spend a Sunday.

Person vs image

I was trying to decide what I should start by talking about, and I realized it's obvious. There's one big thing that bothers me about so many gay people, it's the natural thing to start talking about.

Your sexuality is part of who you are, but there's no need for it to define your image. Or in other words, "what you are" is not the same as "who you are".

Your image is something you have control over. You can choose how you dress, how you talk, how you act. I'm sure we're familiar with the stereotypical fag who talks with a soft lisp and does the hand flip... that's an image. I'm not saying there are no people who are just naturally like that; I don't think all faggy gay boys choose to act like that, although I'm sure at least some do. But let's just say that those mannerisms aren't a choice; how you dress definitely is a choice. So let's take that as an example.

One particular guy comes to mind, someone I was in a class with. He had one particular shirt that had a silhouette of one guy giving another guy mouth-to-mouth, with the caption "This is my favorite part." Really? Is that necessary? I have a terrible gaydar and I knew you were gay from the moment you opened your mouth, so do you really have to wear that shirt? It comes across to me as being very in-your-face.

I can contrast that with another soft-spoken guy who also shows up on my gaydar. He has all the gay mannerisms, but what does he wear? Shorts, sneakers, and ordinary t-shirts. He dresses just like an ordinary guy. His gayness has nothing to do with how he dresses.

I think some queers (gays, lesbians, and all others) have this problem with letting their sexuality—what they are—determine their image—who they are. Why do they do this? I wish I knew, honestly. I think in parts it may be a sense of obligation, that because they're gay they have to act that way; maybe they're scared or uncomfortable about who they are, and it's a way to protect themselves. Maybe they're just overwhelmed at finally being allowed to do something they couldn't have done before they came out. I honestly have no idea.

I have to confess, it is appealing sometimes. For one, dressing in low-cut jeans and tight shirts and getting a nice haircut is awesome. :-D It can make you feel really good about yourself, and that's not something that should be downplayed. And although I usually go for a total straight-boy image, sometimes there's a gay joke or mannerism that's just too good to pass up.

And I don't think the two should be totally disconnected. I just don't think that your sexuality should be the overriding thing that determines your image. Your image should be a reflection of you, of what you think is important about yourself and how you want others to see you. If your most defining characteristic is that you're gay, you must be either really sex-crazed or very one-dimensional. Imagine an overly-stereotyped straight fratboy, whose defining characteristic is his straightness. How utterly uninteresting. What a turn-off. If the most interesting think you can say about yourself is "I like girls," there's not much to distinguish you from anyone else, right? Why should us fags be any different? Being gay is super important to me; it's had a huge impact on my life even in this short time. But that doesn't make it important to everyone else, and that's not how I'd like people to see me.

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Hmm... in retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have kicked off this blog with a rant, but hopefully you'll find it insightful.

So, tell me what you think. Have I hit the nail on the head, or am I hopelessly misguided?

Introduction

Hello. My name is Ian. (Well, that's the pseudonym I chose, anyway.) I'm 25 years young, and I'm gay.

It's 2009, and I'm in my second year of Ph.D. studies. I'm at a large university in the U.S. state of Georgia. I still hang out with mostly undergraduates, though, which is actually another reason for me to not always speak my mind.

It's 2009, and I've known I'm gay for about a year and a half. Two years ago I was certain I was straight. So I don't know what it's like to go through high school, or even undergraduate college, being gay. For me this is all very new.

It's 2009, and I'm out to pretty much all of my friends that I see regularly. I'm out to my brother, but not my parents yet. So far I haven't come out to a single person who was bothered by it.

It's 2009, and I've never been on a date or had sex. I have a story or two to tell, but they don't end up with me getting any.

I'm starting this blog for myself. Sometimes I really want to share my inner thoughts, whether they're intimate thoughts about who I think is good-looking, or philosophic thoughts on various gay topics. But I don't get to do that much in real life, because I try to keep up the image of being a gay person who is otherwise normal. I drink beer, I watch sports, I fix cars. I can either keep up that image, or I can talk about gay things; it's impossible to do both at the same time.

So, I have to compromise. I wish I had known more ordinary gay people, instead of the flaming kind who talk with a lisp and do the hand flip, so I've decided that I want people to see me as an ordinary guy, have that be my image. But, since I still want to voice my thoughts, that's what this blog will be for. Maybe it will help some people to hear what I think. And maybe some people will start reading this and will be able to help me when I need some advice. But if nothing else, I'll be able to say what's on my mind, and because I'm doing this with no real association to my real-life self, I can say anything I want.

What am I not going to talk about? What U.S. state passed some law relating to some gay issue. Who won American Idol. What I think of some movie that's come out. If you want to know about these thinks, or what I think of them, you should look elsewhere.

What am I going to talk about? My past, and how I realized I'm gay, and what that was like. My present, and the image I'm trying to make for myself. My thoughts on what it's like being gay, and what I think of how other gay guys act. My love life, and who I think is good looking, and who I'm interested in, and who I'm dating or having sex with.

I know... looking at that list, it reads like a bunch of thought-heavy topics followed by a non sequitur about my romantic and sexual life. All I can say is, that's important too! I struggled to realize I'm gay, and no doubt I'll struggle to learn how to date people and have non-awkward sex, too. So I'm going to talk about it.

I hope other people will read what I have to say. I hope they'll respond when appropriate. I hope they'll tell me when they like what I write about, or when they don't. But if none of that happens, at least I'll get to say all the things I want to say.