Cleaning up my mess

Okay, I think I can write without feeling like I have to have caps lock on all the time, so here's the story.

The last time Will and I "talked", he said I wasn't his type, but he was kind of interested, but he wasn't sure, etc. I thanked him for telling me [finally], and said I was okay taking things slower, waiting to see if anything would work out. That was like 3 weeks ago, and then he started be a bit more friendly and cuddly. Well that settled that.

My spider-sense started to go off, though, because he wasn't really acting like we were even sort of dating. He wouldn't sit next to me unless I asked/begged him to. Other clues that things weren't going as well as I thought they were. Then the other night it all came out.

Turns out his "maybe" actually meant "no." We were done 3 weeks ago, and since then he's thought of us as "friends with cuddle benefits." Well how was I supposed to know that? I don't want to point and call him a liar, but what he says he was thinking just doesn't seem to match what he told me or what I said to him.

I'm kind of angry with him for having wasted my time for the last couple weeks. Okay, so it wasn't intentional; he didn't set out to deceive me. I was grossly misled, though. I like to think I'm not the only one, because my friends thought we were dating, too, but that doesn't really say a whole lot, I guess.

I'm also upset because I only had one goal for this (or really any) relationship, and that was to come out of it having gained something. Either learned how to go on a date well, or had some sex, or something. Anything so that I could look back and say "I got something for my trouble, so it wasn't a waste." And so far I really can't come up with anything.

Are we still friends? I don't know, he was on a roadtrip this weekend and I haven't seen him or talked. I'd like to be. He's got so much more experience than me, there's so many things I could learn from him, and since he sort of liked me and we sort of dated, he's in a position to help me learn things my other gay friends can't. If I could get that out of it, then I would be able to look back and say "The relationship didn't work, but I still came out ahead." I'd like that.

In the meanwhile... I had a crush on him, and I need to thoroughly get that out of my head so that I can stop thinking of how good we could have been for each other, and start lusting after other boys.

So, I'm taking my own advice. You see, dating is really simple: If you like someone and they like you, great; go do things together. If you like someone, but they reject you or it otherwise doesn't work out, THEY'RE AN ASSHOLE. They were no good for you anyway. Dump their ass, and go find someone else.

See, if you convince yourself the other person is an asshole—even if you know it isn't true—then when you realize what an asshole they are, you won't be interested in them anymore, and you can get them out of your head. Later you can go back and patch things up, but first you've got to get rid of any feelings you're harboring for them, and that's what this is for.

So, I've come up with all the ways Will mistreated me and disrespected me, and you know what? It's pretty convincing. Last night as I was falling asleep I had thoughts of making out with half a dozen different boys, and none of them was Will. I'd call that progress.

Half-assed

What I thought was a promising start to a relationship has become just kind of baffling. In three weeks we've gone on only one actual date, and the last time I saw him he was kind of... cold. If he's still interested, he has a weird way of showing it. If he's not, I wish he'd actually say so, because I don't want to keep this pretend-flirting thing going; I'd want to let go and go look for someone else.

So, I have no idea where it's going. He'll be out of town until next Thursday. When he gets back I'll call and be insistent in my request for a date. Come to think of it, I should probably message him the day before he gets back, or else he'll make plans and I'll lose out again.

Guys, a lesson for you: don't half-ass things. If you're interested in someone, show it. If they ask you on a date, but you're busy, don't put the onus on them to call you again later and figure out when you're free. They already psyched themself up to asking you out; it's unfair to make them do it again later.

And if you're not interested in someone, let them know it. It's not nice to tease people with the possibility of a relationship that you have no intention of getting in to. I don't believe you can or should be friends with every person you've ever met. Sometimes you have to let people go, for good or for a little while until they can get over you.

Unrequited love

One of the shitty things about being gay is that you will inevitably develop crushes on straight boys. It happens. It's unavoidable.

It sucks.

Honestly, it's so crushing (hah, no pun intended) to realize that you're interested in a person who will never love you. They may like you as a friend, they may be so physical with you as to hug you or even make out with you, but they'll never love you the way you love them.

Most likely, though, is that they'll never find out about it, because it's actually just some guy you see in the hallway or the classroom or the lockerroom or the bus, who you'd never dream of telling them what you think of them because they may not even know your name. Or maybe you don't know theirs. (Not bloody likely, that.)

Since it's bound to happen to every gay guy, we have to learn how to deal with it. I suggest the following:

• Be sure to go swimming with them, or have them for a sleepover, or get them drunk, to maximize the chances of seeing their perfect, naked body (or at least part of it).
• Look for people in porn that remind you of them so you can fantasize about them while you jerk off.
• If you do reveal your feelings to the straight boy, be sure to have a breakdown cry-fest when you do it, to try and guilt them into having sex with you. Try goading them into something "harmless" like cuddling or sleeping together, if nothing else.
  

Oh? You expected me to say something like this:

• Go find some actual gay boys to have crushes on. Developing crushes on straight boys will get you nowhere, so try to minimize the chances of it happening by cultivating gay friends who can actually reciprocate your feelings.
  

Well, yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, but it isn't always easy, and it doesn't make the straight boys go away... it just gives you something to look at as an alternative.