Cleaning up my mess

Okay, I think I can write without feeling like I have to have caps lock on all the time, so here's the story.

The last time Will and I "talked", he said I wasn't his type, but he was kind of interested, but he wasn't sure, etc. I thanked him for telling me [finally], and said I was okay taking things slower, waiting to see if anything would work out. That was like 3 weeks ago, and then he started be a bit more friendly and cuddly. Well that settled that.

My spider-sense started to go off, though, because he wasn't really acting like we were even sort of dating. He wouldn't sit next to me unless I asked/begged him to. Other clues that things weren't going as well as I thought they were. Then the other night it all came out.

Turns out his "maybe" actually meant "no." We were done 3 weeks ago, and since then he's thought of us as "friends with cuddle benefits." Well how was I supposed to know that? I don't want to point and call him a liar, but what he says he was thinking just doesn't seem to match what he told me or what I said to him.

I'm kind of angry with him for having wasted my time for the last couple weeks. Okay, so it wasn't intentional; he didn't set out to deceive me. I was grossly misled, though. I like to think I'm not the only one, because my friends thought we were dating, too, but that doesn't really say a whole lot, I guess.

I'm also upset because I only had one goal for this (or really any) relationship, and that was to come out of it having gained something. Either learned how to go on a date well, or had some sex, or something. Anything so that I could look back and say "I got something for my trouble, so it wasn't a waste." And so far I really can't come up with anything.

Are we still friends? I don't know, he was on a roadtrip this weekend and I haven't seen him or talked. I'd like to be. He's got so much more experience than me, there's so many things I could learn from him, and since he sort of liked me and we sort of dated, he's in a position to help me learn things my other gay friends can't. If I could get that out of it, then I would be able to look back and say "The relationship didn't work, but I still came out ahead." I'd like that.

In the meanwhile... I had a crush on him, and I need to thoroughly get that out of my head so that I can stop thinking of how good we could have been for each other, and start lusting after other boys.

So, I'm taking my own advice. You see, dating is really simple: If you like someone and they like you, great; go do things together. If you like someone, but they reject you or it otherwise doesn't work out, THEY'RE AN ASSHOLE. They were no good for you anyway. Dump their ass, and go find someone else.

See, if you convince yourself the other person is an asshole—even if you know it isn't true—then when you realize what an asshole they are, you won't be interested in them anymore, and you can get them out of your head. Later you can go back and patch things up, but first you've got to get rid of any feelings you're harboring for them, and that's what this is for.

So, I've come up with all the ways Will mistreated me and disrespected me, and you know what? It's pretty convincing. Last night as I was falling asleep I had thoughts of making out with half a dozen different boys, and none of them was Will. I'd call that progress.