Someday, I'd like to find the right guy (and there might be more than one "right man" for me out there, but I'll be happy to just find one of them) and live happily together. I don't know what that will entail (marriage, kids, etc.) because I have too many things on my mind right now to think that far into the future.
In the meanwhile, I've never dated, and the likelihood of me finding my soulmate in the very first person (or first few people) I date is very low. I'll date anyway, though, because you can still be happy and make someone else happy even if you're not a perfect match. But in the meanwhile, I need practice.
Practice. So that when I do meet the right person, I'll be comfortable and confident. I need to learn how to go on dates. I need to learn how to get to know someone better. I need to learn how to spend time with someone. I need to learn how to have sex.
For that matter, I want to have sex. I could start having hook-ups and one-night-stands, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Even though I sort of want it, I'm also sort of creeped out by it, and I can't get past that yet. I'd rather look for a relationship to provide my satisfaction... at least for now.
I did sort of imply that the only reason I'm getting into a relationship right now is for my own benefit of learning how to do relationship-type things, which isn't true. In fact earlier today I cancelled a date with a guy because I realized I just wasn't that interested.
Most people don't really think through what they want out of a relationship this thoroughly. I do because I'm stunted. I have the same dating experience as a 14-year-old, even though I'm about to turn 26. I really don't want to be 40 before I find the right guy, so I'm trying to be more aggressive and more goal-driven about dating. I desperately want a relationship, but I don't want to get into just any relationship; I want to get into a relationship that will help me learn and mature.
Does this make sense to you? I mean, it makes sense to me. There's a voice in my head constantly reminding me how far behind other people I am, how people younger than me have a lot more experience at sex and dating, and it's hard to ignore that voice. So I'm trying to do what I can to remedy the situation. If all I cared about was getting laid, I could just jump on OkCupid or Craigslist or Grindr and find a hook-up, but I don't want that. I want a relationship. It doesn't have to be the relationship; it just has to be one that I can learn from. But that isn't to say I don't also want to enjoy the experience itself.
That's better.
ReplyDeleteBut I still want to suggest that you think about two things. First, a relationship needs to be mutually beneficial. I suppose in practice it would work out that way anyway for any sort of relationship that you would enter into. But a genuine relationship is unlikely to survive if one of the partners is thinking only about what's in it for him, IMO. Obviously it makes no sense to date someone who you think has no chance of being Mr. Right, but I think that you will probably find that a relationship won't work unless you want it to be beneficial to the other guy.
Second, although you feel that life is passing you by at 26, I think you will do better in the long run if you try to overcome the feeling that it's the bottom of the ninth inning and you're down to your last out. There is really still plenty of time, and I'd suggest that it will be easier for you if you try to be a little less driven. Meet people doing things you like to do as well as at work. Spend times with the ones whose company you enjoy. Let acquaintances mature. Let friendships mature. Let attractions develop. Do things with people for the fun of it, not because time is running out (which it isn't).
In a word: relax.
Pete and I met on the internet. Ridiculous isn't it? Not something either of us would have thought remotely sensible or likely to succeed.
ReplyDeleteWe're different as chalk and cheese but we love each other - and I mean it: we really do.
We find things to do together but we also spend loads of time apart: there's work and there's different hobbies we both have. And we now surf the net (blogging and other things) on two different laptops in different rooms because otherwise the comps interfere with each other and the Wireless Hub internet connex.
But it can happen - we met on the internet through a shared interest and then met up face to face and . . .
So there's more than one way to do it and I guess the best advice might be to keep several options open and try not to get too anxious or fraught about it.
Concentrate on looking good and being nice to people - that way, maybe just maybe, someone will come looking for you!
First off relax. Take a step back
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with Naturgesetz and Micky very sounds advice not sure I can add a whole lot more but I'll try.
My boyfriend and I met 10 years this August on and AOL chat room of all places. I was looking for a fling and I believe so was he. We (are)were basically oil and vinegar. When I tell you we had nothing in common at all I mean it except that we are of the same nationality(Portuguese). I didn't even know it at the time. I loved rock and heavy metal and he is R&B, dance. I have played sports all my life and he can't stand sports. Fast forward almost 10 years. We have almost everything in common and I LOVE doing things together. There is a whole lot of compromise in our lives but it works. If I went out on a date or just hooked up with him and asked him what his hobbies are and what he was into and judged him that way. We wouldn't be together right now. We wouldn't be celebrating our 10 years togtether on Aug 19th we wouldn't have our 2 houses and our son Doug E Fresh the pug. We wouldn't be discussing marriage (we live in Massachusetts).
So in short all I am saying is give things you wouldn't normally want a true you'll be surprised. What's the worst that can happen you go on the date and you don't like him and you keep looking but you'll never know if you don't try.
Paul