Go Web Go

First of all, I have followers! Yay! The Internet's dense connectivity has worked its magic once again and people have discovered interesting content without any particular promotion on my part. Isn't modern technology wondeful?

So welcome to all you new readers, and thanks to Andrew from Boy About Brisbane for the free publicity. (I didn't make it to Brisbane the one time I was in Australia, but I at least know the correct way to pronounce it.)

Second, thanks to my readers for providing some interesting comments. Now I have new ideas for topics to flame write about. I'll collect my thoughts and sharing something shortly (though as you may have noticed from the archives, "shortly" for me means "in a day or three").

About coming out

If you're gay, you can't just come out once and be done with it. You have to come out to every person you meet. Unless you're at a gay club, society assumes you're straight until you show otherwise. Some people do this by wearing pride colors, or relying on gay mannerisms. Others don't bring it up right away, until one day they make a remark that reveals that they've been gay all along. (Mentioning a boyfriend is a good way to do that, or making a joke about your sexuality.) And other people just don't give a hoot if other people know or not. But regardless, coming out is something you have to do over and over again.

Coming out is often (in my experience, at least) not nearly as traumatic as we think it will be. It can be really difficult to work yourself up to telling someone, because you really never know how they'll react until you do it. That's stressful, and draining, and not particularly pleasant. But in reality, most people, when someone comes out to them, will not react very much at all. They might be shocked for a bit, and they might have questions, and they might make sure to express their continuing friendship and support for you, but compared to the mushroom cloud we always prepare for, it's kind of a let-down.

(This isn't to say it's like that every time. I've been lucky so far, I guess, but many people aren't, which is why you still have to be careful with everyone you tell. But if your friends aren't dicks, chances are things won't go too badly.)

I once asked a friend when you should come out to people, and he said, "You should come out to someone if you want to, or if you feel like you're hiding something from them." That's so succinct I really can't improve on it.

I mentioned before that I'm out to pretty much all my friends, and to my brother, but not to my parents. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in a different state, and I haven't made time to take a trip up for the purpose of telling them. (I'm not going to risk ruining a holiday visit by coming out to them then.) Two, I was okay coming out to my friends because I know them very well, and I knew they would be okay with it. I've never talked with my parents about homosexuality, so I don't know how they feel about it, and I don't know how they'll take it. I'd like to think that they're understanding enough that they'll be okay with it, but the truth is I just don't know. So I've been putting it off.

All said, though, it does get easier. When I first came out to my oldest, closest friends, I spent several weeks working up the courage to say it, even though I knew word for word what they would say in response. It was really hard to say the words, partly because I still wasn't comfortable with it myself. As I told more and more people, it got easier each time.

Why drive when you can fly?

Okay, it's been a week and nothing of interest has happened.

That is, nothing of interest between me and Will. Plenty of interesting things have happened elsewhere. I must have been extra mopey, because several of my friends talked to me about the situation, and I got lots of useful advice on how to proceed.

Not that I have any idea what I'm doing. I know what not to do, but I have only a vague idea of what direction I should go in, and no idea what specifically to say or do.

I think the general idea is to slow the fuck down, and do some hang-out type things with him. Not by ourselves, because we need the comfort of having other mutual friends around, but also making sure that he doesn't end up spending more time with the friends than he does with me, which is what was happening before.

I find this very frustrating. I don't like not knowing what I'm supposed to do. Coming out to myself was very painful for the same reason.

At the moment I'm really hoping that once he's back in town and I can interact with him directly, things will be a lot easier and it will all start making sense. And I'll remember why I haven't just given up and let him go already, which is something I'm starting to wonder.

Half-assed

What I thought was a promising start to a relationship has become just kind of baffling. In three weeks we've gone on only one actual date, and the last time I saw him he was kind of... cold. If he's still interested, he has a weird way of showing it. If he's not, I wish he'd actually say so, because I don't want to keep this pretend-flirting thing going; I'd want to let go and go look for someone else.

So, I have no idea where it's going. He'll be out of town until next Thursday. When he gets back I'll call and be insistent in my request for a date. Come to think of it, I should probably message him the day before he gets back, or else he'll make plans and I'll lose out again.

Guys, a lesson for you: don't half-ass things. If you're interested in someone, show it. If they ask you on a date, but you're busy, don't put the onus on them to call you again later and figure out when you're free. They already psyched themself up to asking you out; it's unfair to make them do it again later.

And if you're not interested in someone, let them know it. It's not nice to tease people with the possibility of a relationship that you have no intention of getting in to. I don't believe you can or should be friends with every person you've ever met. Sometimes you have to let people go, for good or for a little while until they can get over you.

Clothes

For a gay guy, I really do not care much what I wear. I try to dress like an ordinary guy my age: Levi jeans, T-shirts (half of which I got for cheap or free while I was in college living in the dorms), etc. Living in the state of Georgia, many guys wear sandals, but I can't stand thong-style sandals; besides that, my feet get cold, so usually I'm in socks and sneakers or occasionally strappy sandals (maybe some people would call these river shoes?).

I've actually been working on changing this some, though. For one, T-shirts are fine when you're a college freshman, but I'm past that part in my life and I feel like I should dress like I care a bit more. So I've been working on getting more polo shirts.

I also got a makeover on television (long story) and they gave me a pair of expensive designer jeans, a funny dress shirt, and some kind of velvet jacket. It looked really cool while I was going to see shows in Hollywood (I told you, it's a long story), but the jacket look is not really good everyday wear.

But, I did learn that nice jeans can look good, and that low-rise jeans are my favorite! I always liked sagging, so wearing low-rise jeans is, like, perfect. Don't get me wrong, a good pair of loose Levis that you've broken in by wearing them for a week are still super comfortable, but low-rise jeans are awesome.

I also did some shopping while I was in Japan last time. I studied abroad there and I really like their style, so I picked up some nice shirts and a bad-ass pair of jeans that you can't find in the U.S. I got a couple T-shirts because they say wacky things, and they're guaranteed to stand out as well as looking more interesting than a plain solid-color American T-shirt. I also got some button-up shirts, which are great because they're tailored for Japanese people, so they fit snugly on me.

That was kind of a surprise, when I realized that small sizes and tight-fitting clothes look better for me. I guess I got used to buying oversized clothes as a teenager when I was still growing and never got out of it. Now I love wearing T-shirts that are on the small side (not too small, otherwise they'll emphasize my growing belly...) and are short enough to reveal things when I stretch.

I still hate clothes shopping, but I'm learning that if I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars changing out my wardrobe, I need to go to stores periodically to shop around for sales.

I'm still never sure how I feel about dressing up. A friend told me that the reason you should dress up is not to impress others, but because if you feel you look good, it increases your confidence, which is really what makes you appealing. Interesting thought. I haven't really spent the time to figure out my own reasoning for when to dress up and when to go casual.

Unrequited love

One of the shitty things about being gay is that you will inevitably develop crushes on straight boys. It happens. It's unavoidable.

It sucks.

Honestly, it's so crushing (hah, no pun intended) to realize that you're interested in a person who will never love you. They may like you as a friend, they may be so physical with you as to hug you or even make out with you, but they'll never love you the way you love them.

Most likely, though, is that they'll never find out about it, because it's actually just some guy you see in the hallway or the classroom or the lockerroom or the bus, who you'd never dream of telling them what you think of them because they may not even know your name. Or maybe you don't know theirs. (Not bloody likely, that.)

Since it's bound to happen to every gay guy, we have to learn how to deal with it. I suggest the following:

• Be sure to go swimming with them, or have them for a sleepover, or get them drunk, to maximize the chances of seeing their perfect, naked body (or at least part of it).
• Look for people in porn that remind you of them so you can fantasize about them while you jerk off.
• If you do reveal your feelings to the straight boy, be sure to have a breakdown cry-fest when you do it, to try and guilt them into having sex with you. Try goading them into something "harmless" like cuddling or sleeping together, if nothing else.
  

Oh? You expected me to say something like this:

• Go find some actual gay boys to have crushes on. Developing crushes on straight boys will get you nowhere, so try to minimize the chances of it happening by cultivating gay friends who can actually reciprocate your feelings.
  

Well, yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, but it isn't always easy, and it doesn't make the straight boys go away... it just gives you something to look at as an alternative.

First date, check

I went out with Will on Sunday. I tried to set up a date on Friday, but he was busy. We tried Saturday but he was at a birthday party, and stayed too late for there to be any time left in the evening. So Sunday it was.

For a first date (which could mean the first date with Will, or my first date with anyone, ever) it went pretty well. We kissed some, but nothing more. Movie and cuddling and sleeping together. Yes, I just implied kissing is more significant than sleeping in bed together. We spent a total of (at most) 5 minutes kissing and 10 hours (yeah, we're lazy) sleeping together, so I'm not totally crazy there.

I have to confess, I thought he would move a little faster. I don't know whether he's going slowly for my benefit (he knows I'm freshly out of the closet and haven't had any experience yet) or whether he's just not the fast-moving player I thought he was. Either way, I think I like it. I was stressed out before the date about how far we'd go and whether I'd be okay with it, but once I was on the date, I was comfortable with everything we did. I was never nervous—well, except when we walked into his bedroom and he introduced his bed as being "where the magic happens."

I have a strange duality going. On the one hand, I'm 25 and I've just gone on a date for the first time in my life. Other people my age, even gay people, are a lot more experienced at this than I am.

On the other hand, I have 25 years of experience in other social situations, and I know how to handle myself. I know when to be genuinely worried about something, and when to brush off my anticipation and anxiety and just go for it. It gives me a lot of confidence. I know that if things go poorly and I need to slow down, or yell "Stop!", I can do it, because I have done it in other situations.

Oh right, the boy. I don't know when we'll meet up again. I don't really know what kind of hang-out things we could do together, but man would I like to sleep over again. I don't really see a limit to how often I could sleep with someone, as long as it doesn't interfere with work and school.

Rubber (Rubber? I hardly know 'er!)

I've been surfing blogs on and off, looking for people running similar blogs about their gay life. I've seen people who are much younger than I am and are already completely okay with their homosexuality, and people of varying ages who are still trying to figure it out and accept it.

Some of them, for one reason or another, are in the closet. Sometimes there's a damn good reason not to tell your parents or friends, and I support that, but some of these people just aren't ready to, and that's something I never went through. (Yes, I'm so gay that while I was straight I said, "If I realized I'm gay, I'd come out of the closet immediately.") I'm not saying I disagree with their decision or that I don't support it... I'm just wishing them the best and hoping that they get things sorted out so they can stop living a double-life.

Some people are happily waiting to find the right person. Since half of these people are in high school this is a fine attitude to take. Other people are getting it on with anyone who's available. Some of those are also in high school, which kind of weirds me out because I couldn't have imagined being in high school and being gay (otherwise I might have figured it out sooner), so the idea of being a promiscuous gay high school student is a little foreign to me. I'm also kind of envious, because it's not something I can go back and experience.

Mostly, though, I'm shocked at a few of the stories I read. Some of them are incredibly hot... but they seem implausible. I'm not going to say that anyone's lying or exaggerating, but even when I was a horny teenager, four orgasms in 24 hours would have been difficult, let alone in one evening. If these stories are true I'm convinced there must be drugs involved.

And that's okay, as long as you're safe and careful about it—me and alcohol are real good buddies—but that's the other thing. If the people in these stories are using condoms, it isn't mentioned, but I suspect they aren't. And that's just dangerous. Yes, HIV is no longer the death sentence it used to be, and other STDs are treatable or curable, but that's no reason to be cavalier about it. Condoms are cheap (free at many health centers), easy to use, and anyone who refuses to do you with a condom is a sleazebag who you should avoid.

There's no shame in using a condom. Heck, you should try using them when you're jerking off... you get to practice putting them on (not that it's difficult), and it makes cleaning up a lot simpler.

Please hold

I'm not one of those people who can come up with a blog post every day. There just aren't enough thoughts in my head and things in my life to talk about, unless you want tedious details.

I do have several posts I'm working on, some of which will be the first in a mini-series of posts, but they need some heavy editing.

I had the guy over again. Oh, I guess I should give him a name, shouldn't I? Let's call him Will. I had him over on Tuesday, and we did much the same things... eat dinner, play video games, cuddle. This time I made sure to give him a goodbye kiss, though it wasn't on the lips. (He gave me one first, not on the lips, so don't criticize me just yet.)

I should really ask him out on a date Friday or sometime this weekend, if only because we haven't had a solo date yet. I'm kind of nervous about that, though. Not the solo date part... that's just dinner or a movie or something, and that's easy. It's what will happen after the date that makes me nervous to think about. I don't know how to transition from date activities to making out, or... anything... else that might come after the date proper.

A date, sort of

I had a guy over tonight. It wasn't a solo date... we ate dinner with my roommates and friends, watched a little TV, and then spent the next three hours playing online trivia games as a group. He and I did some cuddling but that was as far as we made it.

Eventually the friend left and the roommate promptly and smartly decided it was bedtime. However, my date couldn't stay because the final for his short-summer class is tomorrow.

I forgot to give him a goodnight kiss! What was I thinking? I did fine the whole evening, I made sure to flirt back and show some physical contact, instead of sitting there like I'd seen Medusa, and then I forgot to give him a kiss. Not even so much as a peck on the cheek. I just forgot because I'm not used to being physically expressive like that, and kissing someone has never made it high on my list of ways to say goodbye to people. He also unexpectedly told me I smelled nice, which aside from being very flattering (and surprising, because usually I think I smell, well, not fantastic) is probably an okay stand-in for a kiss.

I should work on reducing the awkward moment when everyone leaves the room, and we're alone for the first time in the evening, and it's not really clear what should come next. Obviously, what comes next is either "go sleep with him" or "send him on his way home", so it shouldn't be that hard to pick one and go with it.

Oh, and don't say to your date "You're welcome to stay." I must be taking after Justin. That's what you say to a friend from out of town who's deciding whether to crash on the couch or drive back, not to someone you're inviting into your bed.