Where do things stand?

Hmm. I wish I could come back and say things have changed, but... I'm not sure if they have.

The first counselling session I went to was kind of helpful, mostly because it felt really good to get everything off my chest. Not that I can't do that normally, but psychologists are trained to sound interested and get you to talk comfortably about whatever's bothering you, and your friends probably aren't. Anyway, the counselor's recommendation regarding feeling down was that it's natural that there will be both ups and downs, and I should just let it happen.

I went back for another session, and after talking about my expectations and goals and how I'm trying to go about this whole dating thing, the counsellor told me what, frankly, I felt I already knew: that I'm older, wiser, and mature, and perfectly capable of managing and figuring out how to do this on my own. The only part I struggle with is actually meeting new people who I could ask out. So, the recommendation was to do group therapy when it starts up for the fall semester, but otherwise that I probably don't need any more individual counseling.

Meanwhile, I've been slipping. I'm so excited for summer semester to be over, to have all my friends back in town for school, that I've been spending a lot of time with them and not much time exploring avenues that would be more helpful on the dating front. I have one or two ideas, actually, but they won't start for another few weeks.

Hmm, what else? I sort of made peace with Will, and we're back to being friends (as much as we were friends before for having just met recently). We got to talk some, and I've finally been able to get to understand him a bit better, and pump him for information from time to time. I'm embarassed to admit that he's not the oblivious person I sometimes thought he was; he's much more aware of things than I gave him credit for.

Anyway, he shared an insight about hooking up, that for him, the problem with hookups is that he inevitably falls for the person, and has trouble letting go. I'm glad to have heard this, because I know that's exactly the sort of thing I'd do right now. So I finally have a good reason, from someone who's actually been through the hookup-slut phase, to choose whether or not to do it myself.

So, I dunno. My initial concept with this blog was to share my insights and help other people, but I end up talking about all the things that I need help with instead. I'm not really sure what direction I want to go here. I'm also not sure that my idea of not blogging about things here until a week after they happen is smart, because I end up reliving things that I'd just gotten past; it ends up being kind of distracting.

Shrink

When I created this blog, my intention was to talk about things I don't usually have the chance to talk about in real life. I don't have many gay friends that I get to have deep conversations with, and straight friends can only talk about so much before their lack of interest and experience becomes a barrier.

What I didn't intend to do was use this blog as a support network. I have my real-life friends for that; they may not always understand perfectly but we're close and they care about me. What I wanted to do here was record things that happened in my gay life, so that others could enjoy the stories, or maybe even learn from them, but I've been trying to mostly write about things after the fact, and avoid turning this into an emotionally-charged journal.

With that said...

I went to see a psychologist last week. Some things had happened that left me feeling pretty depressed and directionless, and after talking to a couple people I realized I had no idea what to do and needed some help. So I went to school and went to the counseling center to meet with someone.

The funny thing is, I don't mind telling my real-life friends this, but I almost want to hide it from you on this blog. I feel like I've just started this blog and now I'm talking about how I'm getting counseling, surely it must make it look like I'm much more screwed up than I am. Whereas my real-life friends know that I'm normally quite well-adjusted, I've just been having a hard time with some of these gay things.

Anyway, the counselor said they will probably suggest group therapy. I'm not really comfortable with that idea, but intellectually I know it's probably exactly what I need and so I'll give it a try. (Ironically, the fact that I'm not comfortable lumping myself with a group of gay grad students sort of proves that I belong in the group.)

I'm not really sure what to do with this blog now. I'm sort of putting dating and hooking up on hold for now, since I've sort of realized that I'm not quite prepared to go about it on my own yet. I don't know if I should blog about what I learn from group therapy. Maybe there are people there who could really be helped by hearing it, but since I currently have 11 people following this blog I have a hard time judging what they would want to hear. And more to the point, anyone who's helped by hearing what I'm going through in therapy probably should consider being in therapy themselves, so I'm really not sure what the point would be. I wasn't planning on using this blog for working out my issues.

Twins

I'm leaving on a trip for the week/weekend. I'll leave you with a quick story to hold you over until I get back (hopefully with more stories).

While I was on a choir tour once, we were chilling in the dormitory, just shooting the crap. One particularly cute boy mentioned that he's an identical twin, something none of us knew about him before. His [very-soon-to-be] girlfriend asked if he had any pictures, and he pulled out his phone while remarking jokingly, "Yeah, I think I have some naked pictures of us."

I nearly came in my pants that instant.

Of course there were no naked pictures, but the idea was enough. (Sure enough, his brother looks just like him, only more tan due to being in Florida.) Twins are definitely more than twice as hot as the individuals.

Selfishness

Alright, well since it came up in the comments... what am I looking for in a relationship?

Someday, I'd like to find the right guy (and there might be more than one "right man" for me out there, but I'll be happy to just find one of them) and live happily together. I don't know what that will entail (marriage, kids, etc.) because I have too many things on my mind right now to think that far into the future.

In the meanwhile, I've never dated, and the likelihood of me finding my soulmate in the very first person (or first few people) I date is very low. I'll date anyway, though, because you can still be happy and make someone else happy even if you're not a perfect match. But in the meanwhile, I need practice.

Practice. So that when I do meet the right person, I'll be comfortable and confident. I need to learn how to go on dates. I need to learn how to get to know someone better. I need to learn how to spend time with someone. I need to learn how to have sex.

For that matter, I want to have sex. I could start having hook-ups and one-night-stands, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Even though I sort of want it, I'm also sort of creeped out by it, and I can't get past that yet. I'd rather look for a relationship to provide my satisfaction... at least for now.

I did sort of imply that the only reason I'm getting into a relationship right now is for my own benefit of learning how to do relationship-type things, which isn't true. In fact earlier today I cancelled a date with a guy because I realized I just wasn't that interested.

Most people don't really think through what they want out of a relationship this thoroughly. I do because I'm stunted. I have the same dating experience as a 14-year-old, even though I'm about to turn 26. I really don't want to be 40 before I find the right guy, so I'm trying to be more aggressive and more goal-driven about dating. I desperately want a relationship, but I don't want to get into just any relationship; I want to get into a relationship that will help me learn and mature.

Does this make sense to you? I mean, it makes sense to me. There's a voice in my head constantly reminding me how far behind other people I am, how people younger than me have a lot more experience at sex and dating, and it's hard to ignore that voice. So I'm trying to do what I can to remedy the situation. If all I cared about was getting laid, I could just jump on OkCupid or Craigslist or Grindr and find a hook-up, but I don't want that. I want a relationship. It doesn't have to be the relationship; it just has to be one that I can learn from. But that isn't to say I don't also want to enjoy the experience itself.

Cleaning up my mess

Okay, I think I can write without feeling like I have to have caps lock on all the time, so here's the story.

The last time Will and I "talked", he said I wasn't his type, but he was kind of interested, but he wasn't sure, etc. I thanked him for telling me [finally], and said I was okay taking things slower, waiting to see if anything would work out. That was like 3 weeks ago, and then he started be a bit more friendly and cuddly. Well that settled that.

My spider-sense started to go off, though, because he wasn't really acting like we were even sort of dating. He wouldn't sit next to me unless I asked/begged him to. Other clues that things weren't going as well as I thought they were. Then the other night it all came out.

Turns out his "maybe" actually meant "no." We were done 3 weeks ago, and since then he's thought of us as "friends with cuddle benefits." Well how was I supposed to know that? I don't want to point and call him a liar, but what he says he was thinking just doesn't seem to match what he told me or what I said to him.

I'm kind of angry with him for having wasted my time for the last couple weeks. Okay, so it wasn't intentional; he didn't set out to deceive me. I was grossly misled, though. I like to think I'm not the only one, because my friends thought we were dating, too, but that doesn't really say a whole lot, I guess.

I'm also upset because I only had one goal for this (or really any) relationship, and that was to come out of it having gained something. Either learned how to go on a date well, or had some sex, or something. Anything so that I could look back and say "I got something for my trouble, so it wasn't a waste." And so far I really can't come up with anything.

Are we still friends? I don't know, he was on a roadtrip this weekend and I haven't seen him or talked. I'd like to be. He's got so much more experience than me, there's so many things I could learn from him, and since he sort of liked me and we sort of dated, he's in a position to help me learn things my other gay friends can't. If I could get that out of it, then I would be able to look back and say "The relationship didn't work, but I still came out ahead." I'd like that.

In the meanwhile... I had a crush on him, and I need to thoroughly get that out of my head so that I can stop thinking of how good we could have been for each other, and start lusting after other boys.

So, I'm taking my own advice. You see, dating is really simple: If you like someone and they like you, great; go do things together. If you like someone, but they reject you or it otherwise doesn't work out, THEY'RE AN ASSHOLE. They were no good for you anyway. Dump their ass, and go find someone else.

See, if you convince yourself the other person is an asshole—even if you know it isn't true—then when you realize what an asshole they are, you won't be interested in them anymore, and you can get them out of your head. Later you can go back and patch things up, but first you've got to get rid of any feelings you're harboring for them, and that's what this is for.

So, I've come up with all the ways Will mistreated me and disrespected me, and you know what? It's pretty convincing. Last night as I was falling asleep I had thoughts of making out with half a dozen different boys, and none of them was Will. I'd call that progress.

Oops

Oh, disregard the previous post. I figured out what was going on.

Hint: It ends with me being definitively single again.

I'll explain more when I'm a bit more level-headed.

Molasses

I'm still trying to figure out where things are going with Will... if they're going anywhere at all. It would be nice if I could just ask, but that's much harder than it sounds.

I thought things were going better after we sort of bonded by staring at naked straight boys last weekend. But now that the trip is over, I still don't sense any more of a connection. He's happy to be cuddly, but when we go out to eat with friends he sits on the other end of the table.

I'm doing my best to keep in mind what he wants, and not just what I want. Because if I only cared about what I want, I would take his hand and shove it down the front of my pants. Pretty hard to misinterpret that.

But Will, I have no idea what he wants. I don't know if he's looking at this with serious possibility, or whether he's just relishing the attention. I'm sure to him I'm just like a puppy.

So this is kind of frustrating. How can things move so slowly? If Will wanted some action tonight, I bet he could make a couple phone calls and have something lined up in a few minutes. I'm frustrated that this guy who I know is capable of moving fast is taking it so slow. I'm not getting any younger.

Independence Day weekend

What am I doing? I should be telling you about the weekend trip I took!

For the past 8 years or so, ever since I went off to college, I've lived about 6 hours from my hometown. I decided that this past weekend, since my dad was not home for a couple weeks, it would be a great time to bring some of my friends home for a roadtrip—we'd have the whole house to ourselves!

As it turns out, though, my younger brother (he's 22, I'm 25) had the exact same plan. So, we had 10 people in the house—my brother, 3 of his friends, me, and 5 of mine.

Late Saturday night, after we'd finished shooting off fireworks, we decided to go swimming. Two of my brother's friends decided to throw each other into the pool fully clothed, even though they had bathing suits. The third friend, Bart (it's tough coming up with pseudonyms, deal with it) jumped in wearing an undershirt and underwear. Then, to our amazement, he took off the shirt and underwear.

Will was with us on the trip, and he was shocked that this straight guy was naked. Will is a very outgoing gay guy—not necessarily flamboyant, but definitely prone to making lewd comments and stuff. When Bart ran into the house to grab some liquor, still naked, Will followed him in to have a look. Par for the course... although I was actually surprised that Will wasn't stripping down himself or being more overtly sexual.

Eventually we got out of the pool, 'cause the water was cold! and people were tired of shivering. Once inside, one of Bart's friends remarked that he was now naked under his towel, the same as Bart, and so they decided, what the hell, let's go skinny dipping together. With the rest of my friends out of sight, I didn't feel the need to be so modest, so I tagged along. We were only in for a couple more minutes—just for the heck of it—but it was nice. I'd forgotten how much nicer it is to swim naked.

Bart felt like showing off some more, and spent the rest of the evening wearing just a towel. We were in the garage smoking hookah (the only way I'll smoke anything). Every time Bart got up to do something, his towel ended up misadjusted (not intentionally), and half the time we got a nice view out of it. He didn't really mind that two gay guys were watching him... I think he was just doing it for the attention, though. Still, I wished so badly that we could have goaded him into doing more than just flashing people occasionally. The circumstances just weren't right for it, though.

For our part, Will and I were trying not to stare at him too obviously, but apparently we're not good at that. :-) Will would call me on it and immediately turn and do it himself, without realizing he was doing it. It was something of a bonding experience for us.

I'm not dead yet

Well, it's been quite a weekend. Things are looking up on the dating front, I hope. I'll have more news on that later, I hope.

I've been thinking about some comments that people left. I disagree with some things that were said, and I'd love to explain why. But that seems dangerously close to picking a fight, and I'm not sure I want to get in to that.

But, I do want people to understand how I see things. From what I can tell, I don't have the same perspective on things that most gay guys have. Or at least, most of the visible gay guys. Maybe the ones who agree with me are not as outspoken and in the spotlight. That would make a lot of sense, actually.

So, what to do? How do I explain my take on gay life without picking fights?

When I figure that out, I'll have quite a few more posts to share.

In the meanwhile, I've been working on starting the story of how I realized my sexuality. I'm not really sure how much detail to include, though. There are a lot of details that don't actually impact the outcome, but contribute a lot to the story as a whole. I haven't heard many other people's coming out stories, so I don't have much inspiration.

Go Web Go

First of all, I have followers! Yay! The Internet's dense connectivity has worked its magic once again and people have discovered interesting content without any particular promotion on my part. Isn't modern technology wondeful?

So welcome to all you new readers, and thanks to Andrew from Boy About Brisbane for the free publicity. (I didn't make it to Brisbane the one time I was in Australia, but I at least know the correct way to pronounce it.)

Second, thanks to my readers for providing some interesting comments. Now I have new ideas for topics to flame write about. I'll collect my thoughts and sharing something shortly (though as you may have noticed from the archives, "shortly" for me means "in a day or three").

About coming out

If you're gay, you can't just come out once and be done with it. You have to come out to every person you meet. Unless you're at a gay club, society assumes you're straight until you show otherwise. Some people do this by wearing pride colors, or relying on gay mannerisms. Others don't bring it up right away, until one day they make a remark that reveals that they've been gay all along. (Mentioning a boyfriend is a good way to do that, or making a joke about your sexuality.) And other people just don't give a hoot if other people know or not. But regardless, coming out is something you have to do over and over again.

Coming out is often (in my experience, at least) not nearly as traumatic as we think it will be. It can be really difficult to work yourself up to telling someone, because you really never know how they'll react until you do it. That's stressful, and draining, and not particularly pleasant. But in reality, most people, when someone comes out to them, will not react very much at all. They might be shocked for a bit, and they might have questions, and they might make sure to express their continuing friendship and support for you, but compared to the mushroom cloud we always prepare for, it's kind of a let-down.

(This isn't to say it's like that every time. I've been lucky so far, I guess, but many people aren't, which is why you still have to be careful with everyone you tell. But if your friends aren't dicks, chances are things won't go too badly.)

I once asked a friend when you should come out to people, and he said, "You should come out to someone if you want to, or if you feel like you're hiding something from them." That's so succinct I really can't improve on it.

I mentioned before that I'm out to pretty much all my friends, and to my brother, but not to my parents. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in a different state, and I haven't made time to take a trip up for the purpose of telling them. (I'm not going to risk ruining a holiday visit by coming out to them then.) Two, I was okay coming out to my friends because I know them very well, and I knew they would be okay with it. I've never talked with my parents about homosexuality, so I don't know how they feel about it, and I don't know how they'll take it. I'd like to think that they're understanding enough that they'll be okay with it, but the truth is I just don't know. So I've been putting it off.

All said, though, it does get easier. When I first came out to my oldest, closest friends, I spent several weeks working up the courage to say it, even though I knew word for word what they would say in response. It was really hard to say the words, partly because I still wasn't comfortable with it myself. As I told more and more people, it got easier each time.

Why drive when you can fly?

Okay, it's been a week and nothing of interest has happened.

That is, nothing of interest between me and Will. Plenty of interesting things have happened elsewhere. I must have been extra mopey, because several of my friends talked to me about the situation, and I got lots of useful advice on how to proceed.

Not that I have any idea what I'm doing. I know what not to do, but I have only a vague idea of what direction I should go in, and no idea what specifically to say or do.

I think the general idea is to slow the fuck down, and do some hang-out type things with him. Not by ourselves, because we need the comfort of having other mutual friends around, but also making sure that he doesn't end up spending more time with the friends than he does with me, which is what was happening before.

I find this very frustrating. I don't like not knowing what I'm supposed to do. Coming out to myself was very painful for the same reason.

At the moment I'm really hoping that once he's back in town and I can interact with him directly, things will be a lot easier and it will all start making sense. And I'll remember why I haven't just given up and let him go already, which is something I'm starting to wonder.

Half-assed

What I thought was a promising start to a relationship has become just kind of baffling. In three weeks we've gone on only one actual date, and the last time I saw him he was kind of... cold. If he's still interested, he has a weird way of showing it. If he's not, I wish he'd actually say so, because I don't want to keep this pretend-flirting thing going; I'd want to let go and go look for someone else.

So, I have no idea where it's going. He'll be out of town until next Thursday. When he gets back I'll call and be insistent in my request for a date. Come to think of it, I should probably message him the day before he gets back, or else he'll make plans and I'll lose out again.

Guys, a lesson for you: don't half-ass things. If you're interested in someone, show it. If they ask you on a date, but you're busy, don't put the onus on them to call you again later and figure out when you're free. They already psyched themself up to asking you out; it's unfair to make them do it again later.

And if you're not interested in someone, let them know it. It's not nice to tease people with the possibility of a relationship that you have no intention of getting in to. I don't believe you can or should be friends with every person you've ever met. Sometimes you have to let people go, for good or for a little while until they can get over you.

Clothes

For a gay guy, I really do not care much what I wear. I try to dress like an ordinary guy my age: Levi jeans, T-shirts (half of which I got for cheap or free while I was in college living in the dorms), etc. Living in the state of Georgia, many guys wear sandals, but I can't stand thong-style sandals; besides that, my feet get cold, so usually I'm in socks and sneakers or occasionally strappy sandals (maybe some people would call these river shoes?).

I've actually been working on changing this some, though. For one, T-shirts are fine when you're a college freshman, but I'm past that part in my life and I feel like I should dress like I care a bit more. So I've been working on getting more polo shirts.

I also got a makeover on television (long story) and they gave me a pair of expensive designer jeans, a funny dress shirt, and some kind of velvet jacket. It looked really cool while I was going to see shows in Hollywood (I told you, it's a long story), but the jacket look is not really good everyday wear.

But, I did learn that nice jeans can look good, and that low-rise jeans are my favorite! I always liked sagging, so wearing low-rise jeans is, like, perfect. Don't get me wrong, a good pair of loose Levis that you've broken in by wearing them for a week are still super comfortable, but low-rise jeans are awesome.

I also did some shopping while I was in Japan last time. I studied abroad there and I really like their style, so I picked up some nice shirts and a bad-ass pair of jeans that you can't find in the U.S. I got a couple T-shirts because they say wacky things, and they're guaranteed to stand out as well as looking more interesting than a plain solid-color American T-shirt. I also got some button-up shirts, which are great because they're tailored for Japanese people, so they fit snugly on me.

That was kind of a surprise, when I realized that small sizes and tight-fitting clothes look better for me. I guess I got used to buying oversized clothes as a teenager when I was still growing and never got out of it. Now I love wearing T-shirts that are on the small side (not too small, otherwise they'll emphasize my growing belly...) and are short enough to reveal things when I stretch.

I still hate clothes shopping, but I'm learning that if I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars changing out my wardrobe, I need to go to stores periodically to shop around for sales.

I'm still never sure how I feel about dressing up. A friend told me that the reason you should dress up is not to impress others, but because if you feel you look good, it increases your confidence, which is really what makes you appealing. Interesting thought. I haven't really spent the time to figure out my own reasoning for when to dress up and when to go casual.

Unrequited love

One of the shitty things about being gay is that you will inevitably develop crushes on straight boys. It happens. It's unavoidable.

It sucks.

Honestly, it's so crushing (hah, no pun intended) to realize that you're interested in a person who will never love you. They may like you as a friend, they may be so physical with you as to hug you or even make out with you, but they'll never love you the way you love them.

Most likely, though, is that they'll never find out about it, because it's actually just some guy you see in the hallway or the classroom or the lockerroom or the bus, who you'd never dream of telling them what you think of them because they may not even know your name. Or maybe you don't know theirs. (Not bloody likely, that.)

Since it's bound to happen to every gay guy, we have to learn how to deal with it. I suggest the following:

• Be sure to go swimming with them, or have them for a sleepover, or get them drunk, to maximize the chances of seeing their perfect, naked body (or at least part of it).
• Look for people in porn that remind you of them so you can fantasize about them while you jerk off.
• If you do reveal your feelings to the straight boy, be sure to have a breakdown cry-fest when you do it, to try and guilt them into having sex with you. Try goading them into something "harmless" like cuddling or sleeping together, if nothing else.
  

Oh? You expected me to say something like this:

• Go find some actual gay boys to have crushes on. Developing crushes on straight boys will get you nowhere, so try to minimize the chances of it happening by cultivating gay friends who can actually reciprocate your feelings.
  

Well, yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, but it isn't always easy, and it doesn't make the straight boys go away... it just gives you something to look at as an alternative.

First date, check

I went out with Will on Sunday. I tried to set up a date on Friday, but he was busy. We tried Saturday but he was at a birthday party, and stayed too late for there to be any time left in the evening. So Sunday it was.

For a first date (which could mean the first date with Will, or my first date with anyone, ever) it went pretty well. We kissed some, but nothing more. Movie and cuddling and sleeping together. Yes, I just implied kissing is more significant than sleeping in bed together. We spent a total of (at most) 5 minutes kissing and 10 hours (yeah, we're lazy) sleeping together, so I'm not totally crazy there.

I have to confess, I thought he would move a little faster. I don't know whether he's going slowly for my benefit (he knows I'm freshly out of the closet and haven't had any experience yet) or whether he's just not the fast-moving player I thought he was. Either way, I think I like it. I was stressed out before the date about how far we'd go and whether I'd be okay with it, but once I was on the date, I was comfortable with everything we did. I was never nervous—well, except when we walked into his bedroom and he introduced his bed as being "where the magic happens."

I have a strange duality going. On the one hand, I'm 25 and I've just gone on a date for the first time in my life. Other people my age, even gay people, are a lot more experienced at this than I am.

On the other hand, I have 25 years of experience in other social situations, and I know how to handle myself. I know when to be genuinely worried about something, and when to brush off my anticipation and anxiety and just go for it. It gives me a lot of confidence. I know that if things go poorly and I need to slow down, or yell "Stop!", I can do it, because I have done it in other situations.

Oh right, the boy. I don't know when we'll meet up again. I don't really know what kind of hang-out things we could do together, but man would I like to sleep over again. I don't really see a limit to how often I could sleep with someone, as long as it doesn't interfere with work and school.

Rubber (Rubber? I hardly know 'er!)

I've been surfing blogs on and off, looking for people running similar blogs about their gay life. I've seen people who are much younger than I am and are already completely okay with their homosexuality, and people of varying ages who are still trying to figure it out and accept it.

Some of them, for one reason or another, are in the closet. Sometimes there's a damn good reason not to tell your parents or friends, and I support that, but some of these people just aren't ready to, and that's something I never went through. (Yes, I'm so gay that while I was straight I said, "If I realized I'm gay, I'd come out of the closet immediately.") I'm not saying I disagree with their decision or that I don't support it... I'm just wishing them the best and hoping that they get things sorted out so they can stop living a double-life.

Some people are happily waiting to find the right person. Since half of these people are in high school this is a fine attitude to take. Other people are getting it on with anyone who's available. Some of those are also in high school, which kind of weirds me out because I couldn't have imagined being in high school and being gay (otherwise I might have figured it out sooner), so the idea of being a promiscuous gay high school student is a little foreign to me. I'm also kind of envious, because it's not something I can go back and experience.

Mostly, though, I'm shocked at a few of the stories I read. Some of them are incredibly hot... but they seem implausible. I'm not going to say that anyone's lying or exaggerating, but even when I was a horny teenager, four orgasms in 24 hours would have been difficult, let alone in one evening. If these stories are true I'm convinced there must be drugs involved.

And that's okay, as long as you're safe and careful about it—me and alcohol are real good buddies—but that's the other thing. If the people in these stories are using condoms, it isn't mentioned, but I suspect they aren't. And that's just dangerous. Yes, HIV is no longer the death sentence it used to be, and other STDs are treatable or curable, but that's no reason to be cavalier about it. Condoms are cheap (free at many health centers), easy to use, and anyone who refuses to do you with a condom is a sleazebag who you should avoid.

There's no shame in using a condom. Heck, you should try using them when you're jerking off... you get to practice putting them on (not that it's difficult), and it makes cleaning up a lot simpler.

Please hold

I'm not one of those people who can come up with a blog post every day. There just aren't enough thoughts in my head and things in my life to talk about, unless you want tedious details.

I do have several posts I'm working on, some of which will be the first in a mini-series of posts, but they need some heavy editing.

I had the guy over again. Oh, I guess I should give him a name, shouldn't I? Let's call him Will. I had him over on Tuesday, and we did much the same things... eat dinner, play video games, cuddle. This time I made sure to give him a goodbye kiss, though it wasn't on the lips. (He gave me one first, not on the lips, so don't criticize me just yet.)

I should really ask him out on a date Friday or sometime this weekend, if only because we haven't had a solo date yet. I'm kind of nervous about that, though. Not the solo date part... that's just dinner or a movie or something, and that's easy. It's what will happen after the date that makes me nervous to think about. I don't know how to transition from date activities to making out, or... anything... else that might come after the date proper.

A date, sort of

I had a guy over tonight. It wasn't a solo date... we ate dinner with my roommates and friends, watched a little TV, and then spent the next three hours playing online trivia games as a group. He and I did some cuddling but that was as far as we made it.

Eventually the friend left and the roommate promptly and smartly decided it was bedtime. However, my date couldn't stay because the final for his short-summer class is tomorrow.

I forgot to give him a goodnight kiss! What was I thinking? I did fine the whole evening, I made sure to flirt back and show some physical contact, instead of sitting there like I'd seen Medusa, and then I forgot to give him a kiss. Not even so much as a peck on the cheek. I just forgot because I'm not used to being physically expressive like that, and kissing someone has never made it high on my list of ways to say goodbye to people. He also unexpectedly told me I smelled nice, which aside from being very flattering (and surprising, because usually I think I smell, well, not fantastic) is probably an okay stand-in for a kiss.

I should work on reducing the awkward moment when everyone leaves the room, and we're alone for the first time in the evening, and it's not really clear what should come next. Obviously, what comes next is either "go sleep with him" or "send him on his way home", so it shouldn't be that hard to pick one and go with it.

Oh, and don't say to your date "You're welcome to stay." I must be taking after Justin. That's what you say to a friend from out of town who's deciding whether to crash on the couch or drive back, not to someone you're inviting into your bed.

"Awkward like a fox."

If you've never read "Awkward Things I Say to Girls," go check it out. First, it's hilarious... assuming you like schadenfreude. (Although he also did an ongoing story that was very compelling.)

Second, Justin's writing has sarcasm as thick as molasses and more bad metaphors than the political cartoon section of the Sunday newspaper. I wish I could write as good as he do. (See that? Sarcasm, eh? Eh?)

Third, it's more fulfilling than looking at porn or reading people's dirty truth-or-dare stories. Not that I would spend half my Sunday doing that.

Okay, maybe I did.

I need to get laid. This is a very unfulfilling way to spend a Sunday.

Person vs image

I was trying to decide what I should start by talking about, and I realized it's obvious. There's one big thing that bothers me about so many gay people, it's the natural thing to start talking about.

Your sexuality is part of who you are, but there's no need for it to define your image. Or in other words, "what you are" is not the same as "who you are".

Your image is something you have control over. You can choose how you dress, how you talk, how you act. I'm sure we're familiar with the stereotypical fag who talks with a soft lisp and does the hand flip... that's an image. I'm not saying there are no people who are just naturally like that; I don't think all faggy gay boys choose to act like that, although I'm sure at least some do. But let's just say that those mannerisms aren't a choice; how you dress definitely is a choice. So let's take that as an example.

One particular guy comes to mind, someone I was in a class with. He had one particular shirt that had a silhouette of one guy giving another guy mouth-to-mouth, with the caption "This is my favorite part." Really? Is that necessary? I have a terrible gaydar and I knew you were gay from the moment you opened your mouth, so do you really have to wear that shirt? It comes across to me as being very in-your-face.

I can contrast that with another soft-spoken guy who also shows up on my gaydar. He has all the gay mannerisms, but what does he wear? Shorts, sneakers, and ordinary t-shirts. He dresses just like an ordinary guy. His gayness has nothing to do with how he dresses.

I think some queers (gays, lesbians, and all others) have this problem with letting their sexuality—what they are—determine their image—who they are. Why do they do this? I wish I knew, honestly. I think in parts it may be a sense of obligation, that because they're gay they have to act that way; maybe they're scared or uncomfortable about who they are, and it's a way to protect themselves. Maybe they're just overwhelmed at finally being allowed to do something they couldn't have done before they came out. I honestly have no idea.

I have to confess, it is appealing sometimes. For one, dressing in low-cut jeans and tight shirts and getting a nice haircut is awesome. :-D It can make you feel really good about yourself, and that's not something that should be downplayed. And although I usually go for a total straight-boy image, sometimes there's a gay joke or mannerism that's just too good to pass up.

And I don't think the two should be totally disconnected. I just don't think that your sexuality should be the overriding thing that determines your image. Your image should be a reflection of you, of what you think is important about yourself and how you want others to see you. If your most defining characteristic is that you're gay, you must be either really sex-crazed or very one-dimensional. Imagine an overly-stereotyped straight fratboy, whose defining characteristic is his straightness. How utterly uninteresting. What a turn-off. If the most interesting think you can say about yourself is "I like girls," there's not much to distinguish you from anyone else, right? Why should us fags be any different? Being gay is super important to me; it's had a huge impact on my life even in this short time. But that doesn't make it important to everyone else, and that's not how I'd like people to see me.

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Hmm... in retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have kicked off this blog with a rant, but hopefully you'll find it insightful.

So, tell me what you think. Have I hit the nail on the head, or am I hopelessly misguided?

Introduction

Hello. My name is Ian. (Well, that's the pseudonym I chose, anyway.) I'm 25 years young, and I'm gay.

It's 2009, and I'm in my second year of Ph.D. studies. I'm at a large university in the U.S. state of Georgia. I still hang out with mostly undergraduates, though, which is actually another reason for me to not always speak my mind.

It's 2009, and I've known I'm gay for about a year and a half. Two years ago I was certain I was straight. So I don't know what it's like to go through high school, or even undergraduate college, being gay. For me this is all very new.

It's 2009, and I'm out to pretty much all of my friends that I see regularly. I'm out to my brother, but not my parents yet. So far I haven't come out to a single person who was bothered by it.

It's 2009, and I've never been on a date or had sex. I have a story or two to tell, but they don't end up with me getting any.

I'm starting this blog for myself. Sometimes I really want to share my inner thoughts, whether they're intimate thoughts about who I think is good-looking, or philosophic thoughts on various gay topics. But I don't get to do that much in real life, because I try to keep up the image of being a gay person who is otherwise normal. I drink beer, I watch sports, I fix cars. I can either keep up that image, or I can talk about gay things; it's impossible to do both at the same time.

So, I have to compromise. I wish I had known more ordinary gay people, instead of the flaming kind who talk with a lisp and do the hand flip, so I've decided that I want people to see me as an ordinary guy, have that be my image. But, since I still want to voice my thoughts, that's what this blog will be for. Maybe it will help some people to hear what I think. And maybe some people will start reading this and will be able to help me when I need some advice. But if nothing else, I'll be able to say what's on my mind, and because I'm doing this with no real association to my real-life self, I can say anything I want.

What am I not going to talk about? What U.S. state passed some law relating to some gay issue. Who won American Idol. What I think of some movie that's come out. If you want to know about these thinks, or what I think of them, you should look elsewhere.

What am I going to talk about? My past, and how I realized I'm gay, and what that was like. My present, and the image I'm trying to make for myself. My thoughts on what it's like being gay, and what I think of how other gay guys act. My love life, and who I think is good looking, and who I'm interested in, and who I'm dating or having sex with.

I know... looking at that list, it reads like a bunch of thought-heavy topics followed by a non sequitur about my romantic and sexual life. All I can say is, that's important too! I struggled to realize I'm gay, and no doubt I'll struggle to learn how to date people and have non-awkward sex, too. So I'm going to talk about it.

I hope other people will read what I have to say. I hope they'll respond when appropriate. I hope they'll tell me when they like what I write about, or when they don't. But if none of that happens, at least I'll get to say all the things I want to say.